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Beginner's Meeting, A Play (Third Stab At Humor)

2022-10-01 00:36:17

Beginner’s Meeting, A Play

Scene 1: A church basement. An odd looking assortment of people are sitting on metal folding chairs arranged in a circle. In the corner is a table with coffee and donuts.
Charles: Middle aged man, about 40 dressed in a plaid sweater. He is the group leader.
Pete: a.k.a. Pervert Pete, a graying man of about 60 dressed in a raincoat.
Bob: A fidgety man of about 35 who continually clutches an inflatable sheep.
Alan: Middle aged man of about 48 dressed casually in jeans and a dress shirt.
Carrie: Middle aged woman, about 45 dressed rather scantily. Looks sort of like a cross between a transvestite hooker and a hooker.
Gwen: A ‘little person,’ she is dressed in a leather dominatrix outfit.

Act 1, Scene 1:
Charles: Welcome to the Parlin, New Jersey Beginner’s meeting of Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. My name is Charles. I am a sex addict.

Group: Hi Charles, welcome.

Charles: I will be your group leader tonight. I want to welcome any new members. I also want to say that Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous is a self-sufficient non-profit organization that depends on your donations. I will pass the collection basket around as I continue the introduction. I would like to remind you again that we accept coins and currency but peep show tokens are not considered currency. Did you hear that, Pete?

Pete: Ah, yeah.

Charles: (passes around basket) Also, I would like to say that there is coffee and donuts on the table for your enjoyment. I have been getting complaints about someone fucking the holes in the donuts. Did you hear me, Pete?

Carrie: Did someone say fuck, I wanna fuck!

Charles: Did you hear me Pete?

Pete: Ah, yeah.

Charles: OK, does anyone have any announcements before we start the meeting?


Charles: OK, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous is a 12-step group designed to help people with sex addictions. We were all in need once but now we are helping each other...

Carrie: I'm in need!

Charles: We are helping each other through support and service to others still suffering with sex addiction. We will start by going around the room and introducing ourselves and briefly talk about how our week went. Um, Pete.

Pete: Hi. My name is Pete, I'm a sex addict.

Group: Hi Pete. Welcome.

Charles: Um, Pete. Put the donut down.

Bob: Hey that's my donut! I was saving that for Sheepy-Poo!

Pete: Ah, sorry. Um, let’s see. I came here because they threw me out of the local peep show house because they said I was too creepy and something about being bad for business. Then after my third offense for flashing schoolgirls, my parole officer suggested I come to this place. I think it has helped me a lot though. Really.

Charles: That's good to hear, Pete. How has it helped?

Pete: Well, I went into the local video store the other day and usually I get four or five videos at a time but this time I only got two, "Transgendered Midgets Golden Watersports Spectacular Part 3" and "Barnyard Fist-Fuck Part 7".

Gwen: They are called "little people!"

Pete: Say, what?

Gwen: They are called "little people," not midgets!

Pete: Look bitch, I'm just tellin' ya what it says on the video. You can call up the fuckin' distributor!

Carrie: Did someone say fuck? I wanna fuck!

Charles: OK, people, calm down. Bob, you want to tell us how your week went?

Bob: Ah, hi, my name is Bob and this is Sheepy-Poo. I guess I'm a sex addict.

Group: Hi Bob, welcome.

Charles: It does not hurt to admit it, Bob. That is the first step to recovery.

Bob: Yeah, um, anyway, my week was pretty good. I bought a new schoolgirl outfit for Sheepy-Poo but it only came with one pair of knee socks. I tried to explain to the guy on the phone that I needed two pairs of knee socks. I don't want Sheepy-Poo's hind legs getting cold. Sheepy-Poo looked sooo good. Didn't you Sheepy-Poo? Yes, good Sheepy-Poo...

Pete: Will you let up, it's a fuckin' inflatable sheep!

Carrie: Did someone say fuck? I wanna fuck!

Charles: People! People! Calm down. Let's act like civilized humans. Go on, Bob.

Bob: Thank you. Anyway, Sheepy-Poo looked so good dressed as a schoolgirl in her plaid skirt that I took pictures of me and Sheepy-Poo and put them on the net. She looked even better than in her French maid outfit. I sang "Mary Had A Little Lamb" to her over a nice candlelight dinner I made. I made all her favorites that night. We had a great time.

Charles: Hmmm. Well, I'm glad to see you're doing better. We have a newcomer tonight. Would you like to introduce yourself?

Alan: Well, um. My name is Alan. I don't really know if I'm in the right place...really.

Charles: We all said that at first. The first step is to admit it. Come on, say it. "I am a sex addict."

Alan: OK, OK. Um, my name is Alan and I am a sex addict.

Group: Hi Alan, welcome.

Charles: Do you want to tell us what brought you here?

Alan: Well, um, actually it was my fianc?s idea. She thinks I have a problem with sex addiction.

Charles: And I take it you don't think so?

Alan: Well, it's just little things that are bothering her. Like, she, um, she says I spend too much time on the computer since I joined this sex fantasy site.

Charles: Well, are you?

Alan: Um, well, I don't know. I mean I maybe forgot to go to work a couple of times, this week. OK, so maybe I missed a couple of important dates...

Charles: Like what?

Alan: Um, OK, so I missed her birthday, and, um, one wedding rehearsal. I mean, big deal right?

Charles: Any other problems?

Alan: Oh, she says we don't communicate.

Charles: And you don't agree I take it.

Alan: Look, if she wants to talk to me all she has to do is open a chat window. We have a computer in the other room. I even set up an account for her on the sex fantasy site. You would think she would appreciate it but all did was complain about the screen name I picked.

Charles: What was it?

Alan: "MyLittleSlut6969."

Charles: Hmmm....

Alan: I mean it's not like I'm cheating on her. I told her the only f-word here is fantasy, right?

Carrie: Did someone say the f-word? I wanna fuck!

Alan: She says she is embarrassed to tell her friends I write sex stories for the net. She says I'm just an Internet pornographer. I told her someone has to write Internet pornography. I mean, it's not going to write itself, right?

Pete: Here, here!

Alan: She says me being on this sex fantasy site can only lead to no good. She says pretty soon I'll be hanging out with a bunch of perverts.

(There is a murmur in the crowd.)

Pete: Uh, we don't like that word here.

Bob: No, Sheepy-Poo does not like that word. Would you like to touch Sheepy-Poo?

Charles: Uh, Bob. Not everyone shares your fantasy about gang banging your inflatable sheep. Please.

Bob: But Sheepy-Poo would like that.

Alan: Dude, uh what is with you and Sheepy-Poo? I mean it's a fuckin' inflatable sheep for Christ sakes!

Carrie: Did someone say fuck? I wanna fuck!

Charles: OK, look, calm down, people. We are all civilized people here. Do you have any other problems? I mean how is your sex life?

Alan: Well, I think it's pretty good. But she doesn't seem to agree.

Charles: What is the problem?

Alan: I don't know. Just the other day she comes over to me all excited dressed in a silk negligee. I told her to quick go in the other room and log on to the computer and we can cyber.

Charles: Hmmm. I see.

Alan: I mean what is the problem? I don't see anything wrong? Do you people?

Pete: I don't see anything wrong.

Bob: I don't see a problem. Are you sure you don't want to pet Sheepy-Poo?

Charles: Well, we don't see a problem. I guess you're one of us now.

Alan: Thanks guys. I knew you would understand. I'll go home and tell my fianc?she's the one with the problem. Hey, I feel better already.

Charles: Glad we could help. That's about all the time we have. The Parlin, New Jersey Beginner's Group of Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous will now come to a close. If you would all join hands we will end with the Serenity Prayer.

Pete: Ouch!

Charles: Carrie, I said hands. Bob, please put that sheep down! Pete, the donuts. Thank you...

Group: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...